


Remembering Him

by Hbtrashandrants2013



Category: Hidden Block (Video Blogging RPF)
Genre: Depressing, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-31
Updated: 2016-05-31
Packaged: 2018-07-11 08:26:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7040794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hbtrashandrants2013/pseuds/Hbtrashandrants2013
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When James dies suddenly and with no known cause for said suicide, Ian realises that he never told him how much he loved him. As time goes on,it is getting harder to carry on before. </p><p>[This is the original depressing Caddimoose fanfic]</p>
            </blockquote>





	Remembering Him

A/N this story originally was going to be a non-ship story about Mooey's and Caddy's rivalry to be part of the one shots,but after talking to GreasersNGoonies and others on Tumblr,about the lack of Caddimoose fanfics,I decided to write one,changing the direction. Enjoy! 

It can't be true. It can't be. They're lying. He's not dead. I can't believe that.  
I pased up and down the room, tears streaming from my eyes. I just got a call from Rosie and the news she just gave me was just. Impossible. Ian,she said. "In the early hours of this morning, one of Ceyrs' girls found James not breathing in the floor of the bathroom,covered in his own blood. She went to get Ceyrs who phoned for help.He was pronounced dead at the scene. I don't know what else to say to you but,we lost him,we really have. 

Her words play in my head,even after 2 hours. I went downstairs, to see my mum and dad fussing over my niece,London. My sister's world. Her pride and joy. I walk straight past them to the kitchen,ignoring their questions on my behaviour and why I'm crying. I make a coffee and sit far away as possible from the other 4. " Ian,darling are you ok? You're not your self", my mum asks me softly. "Yeah,I'm OK. Go back to praising London,its not like I just got a call from Rosie,saying that James has fcking killed himself!" I stormed out of the room and curl up on the bed,crying into the pillow. After 15 mins the pillow was soaked with my tears. Tears of greif,of anger,of sadness. "Ian,I didn't know. When did you hear that?" I look up,to see my father sitting on the end of my bed,stroking my leg. "It's just seeing you all smiling. All happy. I just felt jeleous of London and Katie . I don't know if you know this,but I had feelings for James and now he's gone, I can't tell him." I sob into my Dad's shirt. "There, there,you just been told someone you love is dead by their own doing. It must be hard..." I nod and he decides to rejoin the others. 

I open up Facebook to see the floods of messages from our friends to James' family. I wipe away the new tears. Messages like:RIP Caddy,you inspired others to share childhoods with video games other than Nintendo. From Rider and the crew from afootofaferrit really hit the spot. I write my own one and log out. I go to Twitter next.

Twitter was the complete opposite. No fan knew of James' passing yet so it was of fans tweeting fan art and YouTubers posting new videos. I saw one tweet which HaleFail had retweeted:My thoughts are with a fellow Maker parnter's family today. So sad the news of this passing. This was follows by another by this guys friend: So sad to hear of a suicide of a fellow Maker parnter and Playstation Gamer. RIP. I read the names of the tweeters:Dan Howell and Phil Lester. God,the news had already spread to vloggers. Wow. I look at the replies,to see one from.Austin:@ danisnotonfire, I guess Emma told you. It's sad to know that one of my friends ended his own life. Would like to know why. 

Not even Austin could believe it. No one could. That James Caddick had killed himself only 12 hours ago. 

A/N 1) I don't know Brutalmoose's sister name or if she has a child and 2) I don't know if Dan and Phil are partnered with Maker. I only know Caddy is.  
The next few days are a blur. People spreading the news,the messages to HiddenBlock. It was too much. I haven't been myself since The News,no one really has. 

I go out to get some fresh air. The Thursday afternoon breeze feels refreshing,especially to my tear marked face. I head for the mall,hoping to look around to get my mind of things. When I get the mall,I see some kids hanging around outside the GameStop (a/n its the only store I can think of) : " Hey Adam,did you hear the news,there's no Completionist tomorrow." "Yeah,one of his friends died on The 30th. Pretty annoying, it wouldn't affect the show". I felt like punching them. Wouldn't affect the show. Didn't they really not think that Jirad may be upset and distressed that his friend is now gone. " Did you hear who it was though?" "No,Liam,who was it?" "That Brown haired British guy. Can't remember his name of the top of my head. He did a VO in the 100th episode, I think?" "I know who you mean. The guy who did the Heart Of Darkness review." "Yeah,him. I've heard a rumour that they found his blood soaked body in the bath..." "Thanks for that Liam. I knew that the friend had killed himself,and now you told me that it was gory. This is the perfect image to go on Facebook." I wanted to slap those kids so hard. 'Its so cool it was so gory.' How could you find that cool.

I stormed past them and went in the shops I wanted to go in. About 5 shops later,I hear their voices again: "Mum,you know that YouTuber who killed himself on Sunday evening (A/N Monday morning in the UK), do you know if they took photos of the blood soaked body?" "No,Liam,I don't know what it's like in the UK, but normally,they don't. It's disrespectful to do that." She let's the boys go off as I look through a shelf of movies: " Hard day? Well,it's nearly the weekend,only a few more days". More like a rough week,one of my friends passed on and I don't know what to do". "Oh,I'm so sorry to hear that. My son's asking about someone's death probably wasn't helping too much..." At that point,she left me and went off. 

When I returned to the house,I see that my sister,her husband Joe and London are all watching TV. "I'm so sorry to hear about James' death,Ian", Joe said to me. " Must be hard to aspect that." "Yeah,its hard,but we all have the community to help when times are hard. Everyone has been supporting each other. No fights.disagreements. nothing" "So,brother,when's the funeral, you'll have to go to England,I guess?" "Don't know the exact date but around the 21st September. And yes,I will be going to England." I go to get a drink and join them. I opened up Skype and told what happened at the mall to both my sister's family,my friends and my parents (who had joined us). "That's horrible. If someone loses someone,they aren't going to want to do a video. So,why complain about getting no free content?" "Because,people are people, sis,people are people." 

When I went upstairs a few hours later,somthing popped into my mind. Why did James end his life? What caused a bubbly,happy person who's rarely upset to change in a matter if days? What drove him to do that? Who did? I really needed to know..  
.A/N: None of the events mentioned happened(well the moving and part of the SGC did) so its all made up for the sake of the story. Including any illnesses mentioned to people. Also every flashback is in Caddy's POV,unless stated. 

Flashback-Caddys POV  
"James,I've got a bone to pick with you. Where's the next VGfacts?". The head of Maker shouted at me. " I'm sorry. I haven't been feeling too good and I took a week off..." "Stop telling me BS,I know what you been doing. We pay you to make videos,not to go off and lay around all day". He screamed at me more,before stating I was no longer a partner of then after the 13th September. Great. 

James was the one who was never upset. Or if he was,he'd hide it. We only ever seen him cry once. At SGC,our pannel,the noise and lights got too much for him,being so heavily jet lagged still. I look over to the photo the 6 of us took at that event. We didn't know a year later we would loose him. Even when stuff was going on in his personal life,he'd tell us about in the most unemotional way possible. I always felt sorry for him, alot of fans took our rivalry seriously and after he posted somthing about me 'stealing his stuff',nearly all of my fans said horrible things to him. As revenge. Wait,when did he post that? I rush over to twitter to look. This did not help. His empty,lifeless twitter. I go over to the media to find he posted it on the August 26th. 4 days before  
he killed himself.. 

I thought about somthing. What did James struggle with? No mental illness that I know of . Bullying. The aftermath of bullying. That message. The day he moved. 2 days before his death. He'd said about how embarrassing he must look to us. Other points. No self confidence. If it had somthing to do with his life or himself,he'd avoid it. Like with the Ice Bucket Challenge last year. Or the Draw my Life thing.  
Flashback-Caddy  
"Errr,look at him. Isn't he disgusting." I ran,ran as fast as I could. I was soaked, tear stained and tired. "Why is Oxfordshire full of druggies and the homeless,Cindy" I hear the two girls from a distance. I hid under the bridge. I'm miles from home,have no money as I was mugged, I'm tired,jobless and its raining. Why should I live anymore? I have nothing left. 

Any events? Yes,I can think of a few. He'd lost his job at Maker. He had moved again. People shunned him for that. His Girlfriend's family and older child had pushed him out of their lives.And the fight. Of course. The fight. Me,Wallid and Jimmy had lost our tempers at him after he'd said somthing about struggling with a review. We'd all been working all day where stressed,so we lost it at him. Wait,we did that just a couple of hours before he... We. Other members of HiddenBlock had caused him to kill himself. We put 'the piece of straw that broke the Cameral's back'. We had helped kill James. My crush. 

Now,what to find is the Suicide note.His suicide note. He must of written one,right?.. 

Flashback  
I turn the camera on and hold it up to my face. I'm already crying,but I need to do this. I really need to do this. "Greetings and salutations guys,by the time you guys will see this,I will not be around anymore. I can't stay,I need to leave here. You guys have others, I will still watch you guys from my new home. I will be with others. I will happy. So,I'll see you guys when you will see me in person again. In heaven." I turn the camera off. It's done. Now off the upload it to YouTube

It's been nearly 2 weeks since James ended it. His life. HiddenBlock.com and YouTube have been empty. None of us want to make a video. A update. We're all too shocked at what he did. We all take the blame. I go and check Twitter to see some more supportive tweets. Ones like:RIP @ Caddicarus. You where too young. My heart's with @hidden_block,and Why does suicide take so many young people.People like @Caddicarus,should still be here. #wewillmissyoucaddy. I feel tears down my face, these where from our fans,I can't read fellow Internet creators ones. They are even more emotional. Did you know Gaming has stopped VGfacts for the moment. Gives time for Dazz and Shane to think about personal stuff as both have traveled to Oxford to be with Rosie and Family. It's sweet,we all miss him already and its been 10 days. 9th September 2015. A day when a video of mine was going to be uploaded. A new review. Jeff and I where planning this for a year. Literally. Now it's never going to be seen by the fans. 

James had seem not to leave a note. Shane been to his house to clear it out and store his stuff in the DYKG HQ,until we all decide what to do with it all. Lucy is the only one strong enough to make a video talking about her feelings about it all. She crys from the first second. She won't take it down. She wants her fans to know she's OK. It's hard but we love her for it. Wait. It may of been recorded,not written. I open YouTube on my Laptop and go to James main channel. Nothing. What about the 2nd channel? I go to it and found what I wanted. The note. I read the title "Goodbye YouTube". There was no description,but looking at the box it made my cry. He'd done it on the platform he'd loved. YouTube

The funeral date's been set. The 21st September 2015,nearly a month after his death. I know that everyone is travelling to go to it. I look over at my passport. It had been as far as Texas to Washington, but never abroad. I would normally be excited, but I can't be. I'm going to my secret lover's funeral. I can't be happy. I really can't be. He's dead and I think it thanks to me and my big mouth. 

Flashback  
" James you're a idiot. You don't use Vegas to edit that in. You do it BEFORE you put it in! " "Ian,I don't have your fancy pancy,Adobe software. I have one edit program,and do anything it there unless you want me to use paint." He logged off after that. I didn't know it was going to be the last one. Ever.

Tomorrow I'm going to try and be happy. I need to be. My life's too depressing right now. 

,A/N: From now on,the italics are James. So basically flashbacks.  
I'm here. That's all that matters,right?  
"Hello,and welcome to the show." The TV blasts out some show my parents are watching. I'm looking through the posts on various social medias,most of which are in memory of James. I loved him,and he never knew that. If he did, wouldn't he not kill himself? I have no time for sense,my minds just crys at the thought of James sitting by me,laughing at somthing. Smiling. That what breaks my heart,he wasn't happy at the end,and I wish I knew at the time. I could of helped. I'm kicking myself about that. "Ian,I hate you. Why did you do that,Ian? I'm not that short, just shorter than you and Luke." His voice echoes in my head. The memories. Happy memories. Laughter. I close down the app and get up to leave,when my phone rings. "Is that Ian? It's Doug. I worked for Maker Stuidos,just wondering if you heard what's happened in the UK?" I reply to him,saying I know. I don't mention I was the friend of the guy. 

Ian,why? I'm British. Yes. Well done,however,I don't sound like that. 90% of Brits don't. *giggles* is that really what America thinks every British person sounds. That's cute. *smiles* oh America,you are a werid country. I miss that voice,the smile. Anything. I wish I could see them again. But I can't. He's not here anymore. My hair is a mess. I look a mess,it must be a thing caused by Jetlag. I love that. His silly remarks. His soft hair. Yes. He was adorable, and I'm going to miss that. 

Podcasts,more podcasts and conventions. This is going to be hard. A new start. It's going to be very hard to remember that nothing going to be perfect.... 

Flashback-June 2015  
"Happy Birthday James. You're now officially an adult in America. You can drink." "Jeff,I don't think,but thanks. I don't feel any different, but I don't care. I'm older". Ian grins at my smile. I wish I could tell them. I really wish. 

I leave for the UK. I have one wish. To see him for the last time. At the funeral. I'm going to miss him too much.

 

The funeral. The day James officially leaves us. According to my parents. I look around the hotel room were me,Jeff,Jimmy and Luke are sleeping. The four of us are wearing dark grey pants and waistcoat or blazer,a white shirt and black shoes. Jeff hands out the last thing,which everyone is going to wear in some way: a light blue thick bandied ribbon,which I slipped into my pocket,leaving a bit sticking out. The only bit of colour we where wearing. James's favourite colour. We walked down the stairs to the door to meet the others,who are all wearing dark grey or black with a light blue ribbon tied in their hair or tucked into a pocket. Rosie and James' family had left for the church ages ago,so it was just us friends here in the echoey house .I look over to Dean,who was sobbing already and was being consolidated by Austin. "When we played Minecraft Hardcore earlier this year,I never thought that a couple of months later,we would be doing that in real life *crys louder*" (a/n:That's a PBG Gameplay Hardcore spoiler/reference from episode #11/#12. Sorry if you haven't seen it) . I suggest we all leave and we all get into various vehicles and head to the church. 

"Moosey,never grow old. If you leave YouTube,I can't make the joke that we hate each other". *laugh* " James don't start,Rosie told me that you cried at the 21st Birthday video. But you should never change mate,you are you and that's what I love about you." *smiles* "Moosey,I'm tired,I'm going to sleep. See you whenever" The last time I saw him smile. 30th July 2015. How I wish I could go back at see that again. That iconic grin. As we got closer,it really sank in for the first time:James was my life. My heart and the reason I loved YouTube. 

When the Hurst arrived,I spotted Rosie for the first time. She was wearing a small black lacy dress,matt black pumps and a dark grey Cardigan. I don't see the light blue ribbon,until she walks over to me. She has made it as a necklace. I hug her:"Hey,so today's the day then."Yeah. Let's try and not cry too much,right?" We move to the side of the path next to Jeff and Luke,and watch Shane and some of James' childhood friends, one of which was Olly,carry the coffin up the steps to the church. I glance around. Everyone is crying. I look at the brown casket,the memories it holds. It became too much. I burst into tears 

The service was the same. Tears and hugs. Hidden Block had wrote an eulogy for James. We all took a go at reading our memories,and at the end of it,when we walked off,Olly came up to me and hug me tight. We both held it for 5-10 mins before sitting down. The sweetest thing was what Nico had brought. A collection of PlayStation games and merch. He placed them by the coffin and walked away,wiping his tears from his eyes. I realised that this must of been the first time Normal Boots,Hidden Block and their affiliates had all cried together. A day that will never be repeated. 

The burial. Sweet and important. We put flowers and various things that remind us of James into the hole. I think we must be seen werid by alot of the other families at the cemetery. A group of mainly 20-somthings with a range of different accents. A rare sight in Oxford by the looks of it. 

There wasn't a Wake. None of is could bare to be together, so we spilt ways from the family and spent the evening playing video games at James' empty house. It was more special than a Wake would of been. I love video games,Ian,when i I've felt unwell I would hide and play them. They are more important than family.... 

November 2015

"James Caddick died on 30th August this year. He was a YouTubers from Oxfordshire, UK. His death was what signaled the end of Did You Know Gaming's VG Facts. The creators Shane Gill and 'Dazz' decided to stop the series,as they felt it reminded of Caddick,who was 21,so much. There has been no news about if Normal Boots and Hidden Block are going to change. " I reread the article on the Youtube forums. I'm sitting on the couch in my family home,my cousin Matt is sitting playing Zelda next to me. It's Thanksgiving. A day which is hard. Mentally. "So,Ian,what are you thankful for?" "My happiness and safety her Matt. That if I have a problem with YouTube, I have someone to ask,unlike some..." My voice trails off,the story I'm telling him is James'. My baby. My mind flashes back through his YouTube videos. HiddenBlock. Everything. I quickly realized I'm crying and wipe my tears from my face. "Why are you crying? Do YouTubers not make it as far as you do?" I nod. I explain to him about James and the suicide. He covers his mouth quickly. He understood very well. "How old was that child?" "5. Matt. 6 in the new year. She would've been scarred for life by it all." He walks off. Shocked by it all. Like I was. 

At dinner Matt asks Katie if its illegal to kill yourself. She shakes her head and smiles over at me,"Ian knows this well,sadly earlier this year,a friend of his did it. He was only 21. Life turned to the worse. He wasn't happy." My mum looks over at her and she shuts up quickly. I enjoy the meal of Turkey,potatoes and veg. It reminds me of the British Roast Dinner. That makes me cry again. My grandparents comfort me. "Matthew, can you go upstairs or just go away for a bit. We need to have an adult chat about this all,I don't think you will understand fully." He nods and goes back to the Zelda game in the living room. Everyone turns to me:"Ian,we've been thinking. It may be useful if you get a depression test done,especially since you're not really coping fully after the death.... " I stormed out of the room to join Matt. I don't need help I just need love. His love. 

I look at the scratches on my arm. Her nails can be sharp sometimes. It stings. Why did she done that? I know she's on her period,but she didn't need to do that , right? I can't tell the others,if they ask,Bayonetta and Ceryza did it to me. Not her. If they know,the police would come and then I'm dead. Literally. Well,this teaches me to behave and not to cross a women. Especially, your girlfriend. 

I want to know why he killed himself. Maybe it was somthing no one knew. 

I need to escape this all. I do something wrong and she hits or scratches me. I can't just blame it on the animals and objects. They look human made now. And a snake and 2 rats can't cause a cut on my back the size of said snake. 

He left us at the wrong time,as PlayStation turned 20. 

I've decided I need to escape to Dazz's house. Soon before anyone finds out...

A/N: I know Ceyrs wouldn't hurt a soul. It's just an idea cause by my Socialology Coursework. 

21st July 2017  
I look down at the grave. Nearly 2 years have passed. I didn't got to SGC this year. I came here. The last two year have been the exact as before this all;YouTube,Podcasts and fake happiness. The latter only applies to me. The others have got over some of the grief. So has Rosie. She has a boyfriend,who she's living with. Lucy is planning her wedding. I seem to be the only one who hasn't been able to. 

I place the flowers on the grave. I step away and look at it. There was flowers, teddies and other memories. The sun beats down on it all,making it all glow. I wipe the tears from my eyes,I've made it 2 years without him. Without James Caddick. I can make it another 2. 

A/N: This is the end of the main story,the rest of the parts is one big flashback to the event,so this is a quick graphic content warning.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
I shut down the laptop sharply. The pain I'm in. I can't take it anymore. It's too much,I take my camera off my desk and go to the bathroom. For the last time. I film The Note,upload it and check to make sure everyone's asleep. I return to the bathroom: a penknife and the drugs. I take the drugs,and I feel tired,should I carry on? I slump over the toilet and I throw up. This is going to be fun. 

I walk over the sink next. I pull out the thin blade out on the knife. I roll my sleeve up to my elbow,and drag the blade up my skin,splitting it in two.I swap hands,doing it with the other,letting the blood run down my arms and into the white sink,staining it. By this point I'm slowly falling to the floor,so I kneel down and put my head on the edge of the sink,"it's nearly over,Caddy,just a few more minutes". 

After 10 minutes,I have to lie down or my arms might snap off. I take a final glance in the mirror, and let myself fall into an unconscious state. "It's finally over James Caddick. The suffering has gone. You're going to be safe now." I let the last tear fall from my face as I say goodbye to the world...


End file.
